“Ex Cathedra” (An excerpt)

Characters:

THE COMMANDER:  middle-aged. Female.

THE SISTER: middle-aged.

The near future. In a police state, a Commander of the security forces has invited a nun to her office for a conversation. THE COMMANDER reveals that she is a former lover from their university days and the conversation turns to their shared past.

THE COMMANDER

You wanted children.

THE SISTER

My personal wants and needs – especially those of a historical nature – really have no bearing on this conversation.

THE COMMANDER

And you couldn’t have them.

THE SISTER

So if there’s nothing further to discuss…

THE COMMANDER

But I could.

THE SISTER

I think I’ll be taking my leave after all.

THE COMMANDER

So I tried.

THE SISTER

Thank you for a most instructive meeting.

THE COMMANDER

I did it for you.

THE SISTER

I wish you luck in your career.

THE COMMANDER

You wanted children.

THE SISTER

And you lost the baby. (A pause.) God damn you.

THE COMMANDER

So that’s it, then.

THE SISTER

I think I should like something to drink after all, please.

THE COMMANDER

Barley tea? Or something stronger?

THE SISTER

Definitely stronger.

THE COMMANDER

Frances, I am so sorry – truly, more honestly than I can say – for the pain I’ve caused you.

THE SISTER

Thank you. For that.

THE COMMANDER

What would you like?

THE SISTER

Yes, I wanted a child. It was in my nature to.

THE COMMANDER

It wasn’t part of the bargain.

THE SISTER

So what? Circumstances change.

THE COMMANDER

Evidently so.

THE SISTER

But you didn’t want one.

THE COMMANDER

Oh, Frances. I wanted to want one.

THE SISTER

That’s not enough, is it, though.

THE COMMANDER

I got pregnant for you.

THE SISTER

And then you lost the baby.

THE COMMANDER

Lost the baby. Lost the baby. You make it sound like I misplaced it behind the sofa.

THE SISTER

Have I got it wrong, then?

THE COMMANDER

Damn you, Frances. I didn’t lose the baby. I killed it. God. (A pause.)

THE SISTER

So you did.

THE COMMANDER

And then you withdrew.

THE SISTER

An innocent soul, not yet born. I withdrew, you say. Can you blame me?

THE COMMANDER

You and Voltaire and Leibniz and joy and happiness and frolic. A grey world we live in, you said. It was a world going from grey to black, Frances, remember? Two women living together? Suspicious. A baby? Seditious. They would never have let us keep it. You know that, don’t you? And they would never have let us live, if they found out. You surely know that.

THE SISTER

I know that I stumbled until my Lord picked me up.

THE COMMANDER

How convenient for you. I did what I did so we could be together. Alive. It was a terrible choice to make. How do you think it felt?

THE SISTER

A choice. A choice. You always were for choice, weren’t you, Commander.

THE COMMANDER

No one ever said it would be an easy choice. But in the end it was no choice at all. The child was dead before it was ever born.

THE SISTER

So it was.

THE COMMANDER

It was a sacrifice. If I’d given birth to it they’d have killed it. And us. Would that have been better for you, Frances?

THE SISTER

It? You think of our child as an object? I think you found your calling after all, Commander.

THE COMMANDER

Do you know what that feels like, to make that sacrifice?

THE SISTER

I don’t. I can’t. I couldn’t. I’m the one that wanted that child!

THE COMMANDER

I did it all for you. For us.

THE SISTER

For us? You killed the child for us? Why get pregnant in the first place then?

THE COMMANDER

It was what you wanted. I wanted to make you happy. But…

THE SISTER

But?

THE COMMANDER

Times change, Sister.

THE SISTER

That’s it? Times change? You justify yourself with that?

THE COMMANDER

I failed. And you withdrew.

THE SISTER

I withdrew. You killed an innocent soul and you say I withdrew.

THE COMMANDER

You didn’t want me to stay. So I left.

THE SISTER

If you loved me you’d have stayed.

THE COMMANDER

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health?

THE SISTER

Something like that.

THE COMMANDER

You were pushing me away. You didn’t want me to stay.

THE SISTER

You pulled yourself away. You didn’t want to stay.

THE COMMANDER

You were already gone.

THE SISTER

And you wonder why I don’t trust you?

THE COMMANDER

I see. So all this is to explain a lack of trust.

THE SISTER

In the name of all that’s holy, Commander, why would you even think to mention the baby now? Do you think you can win my trust today by reminding me of yesterday’s betrayals?

THE COMMANDER

I am reminding you of my failings. Reminding you that I am a human being. Imperfect.

THE SISTER

Fallen?

THE COMMANDER

Maybe. I have failings. And feelings. And you did love me once. And you trusted me once.

THE SISTER

What an interesting tactic, Commander. “Trust me because once I broke your trust.” Your superiors must be so impressed with your approach to your job.

THE COMMANDER

It isn’t a tactic, Frances.

THE SISTER

No?

THE COMMANDER

You wanted a baby, I got pregnant. I tried to keep us together and paid a terrible price. You pushed me away. I took you at your word and left. And now you don’t trust me.

THE SISTER

I would have had faith in God. Like Abraham, called upon to sacrifice Isaac. It was a test. And you failed it. Well. In the end I’ve found another to trust.

THE COMMANDER

That’s all very neat. Very neat indeed. All tied up with bright red ribbon.

THE SISTER

It isn’t neat at all.

THE COMMANDER

Oh, I think it is, this curious path from motherhood to sisterhood.

THE SISTER

I wish you wouldn’t treat my life as fodder for your word play. It’s not very kind.

THE COMMANDER

I apologize. Kindness isn’t really in my job description.

THE SISTER

Was it ever?

THE COMMANDER

Now who’s being cruel?

THE SISTER

You will never have the right to call me cruel.

THE COMMANDER

I was kind to you every day we were together. Every day. And I swear, I thought it was a kindness to leave if that’s what you wanted me to do. In case you’ve forgotten, I did love you.

THE SISTER

Love me, leave me. That was kind. Kill a baby. Very kind indeed. Frankly, the world should be grateful you’ve lost this capacity of yours for kindness.

THE COMMANDER

Sarcasm doesn’t become you, Sister. Look, I’m sorry. It wasn’t a kindness to bring up the child.

THE SISTER

If I were the word-playing kind I’d say that you never wanted to bring up the child at all.

THE COMMANDER

Oh, but I’ve missed that wit. That anger. Is that why you became a nun? To deal with your anger? Or run away from it?

THE SISTER

Is that why you became a Commander? To “deal” with what you did? Yes, I was angry. And oh, yes, I “dealt” with it. That was certainly part of my journey. So tell me. What was your journey? You with no need for salvation. You with faith in reason alone, as though Leibniz was right and the world is nothing more than a mathematical pearl within the oyster.

THE COMMANDER

A world in which Isaac is actually sacrificed is a mad world indeed. Can you blame me for trying to find some way to bring order to it?

THE SISTER

Is it such a leap from erasing a baby to erasing a dissident? I congratulate you on your personal growth and your love of justice.

THE COMMANDER

I take no pleasure in your being angry with me.

THE SISTER

Of course. You want absolution. You want me to help you.

THE COMMANDER

Yes.

THE SISTER

I’m not a priest. I can’t do it.